15 August 2009

I Am A Self-Reliant American Conservative

I enjoyed this clever article by David Gaines.
I get up at 6 a.m. and fill my coffeepot with water to prepare my morning coffee. The local government water supply is clean and safe because some tree-hugging liberals fought for federal minimum water-quality standards. With my first swallow of water, I take my daily medication, the original basic research behind which was conducted by the National Institutes of Health. My medications are safe because some stupid commie liberal fought to ensure their safety and that they work as advertised. All but $10 of my medications are paid for by my employer's medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance - now I get it, too. I prepare my morning breakfast, bacon and eggs. The bacon is safe to eat and the pigs it comes from are treated more humanely than used to be the case because some girly-man socialists fought for laws to regulate the meatpacking and agricultural industries.
In the morning shower, I reach for my shampoo. My bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount relative to the total contents because some pansy crybaby fought for my right to know what I was putting on my body and how much of each ingredient it contained.
I dress, walk outside, and take a deep breath. The air I breath is relatively clean because some tree-hugging environmentalist wacko fought for laws to stop industries from polluting all of our air. I walk down the public sidewalks to a public subway station patrolled by tax-funded police officers for my government-subsidized ride to work. I save a considerable amount in parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation.
I begin my work day. I have a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some pinko socialist union members staged protests and strikes, and in many cases died, so that we could have those benefits. If I'm hurt on the job or become unemployed, I'll get a worker's compensation or unemployment check, thanks to some stupid nanny state liberal who didn't think I should lose my home because of my temporary misfortune.
It's noontime and I need to make a deposit at my not-for-profit federal credit union, the idea for which some hippy brought down from socialist Canada, so I can pay some bills. My deposit is insured by the National Credit Union Administration because some godless communist wanted to protect my money from speculators causing wild swings in the economy. I have to pay my Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and my below-market federal student loan (so that I could attend a publically funded state university) because some elitist McGovernite decided that both society and I would be better off if I were educated and earned more money over my lifetime.
Now I'm home from work. I plan to visit my father this evening at his farm in the country. I get into my car for the drive. My car is among the safest in the world because some America-hating socialist fought for car safety standards and a National Highway Traffic Safety Administration to go along with the taxpayer-funded roads. I arrive at my boyhood home. Mine was the third generation to live in the house, which was financed by the Farmers Home Administration because bankers didn't want to make rural loans. The house didn't have electricity until some big-government liberals stuck their noses where they didn't belong and demanded rural electrification. My father lives on Social Security and a union pension because a bunch of bleeding heart "blame-America-first" types worked for decades to make sure he and people like him wouldn't spend their old age in poverty. My aunt and uncle are able to visit him tonight too. They were laid up for a long time but are back on their feet now, thanks to the socialist doctors and hospitals paid for by the Veterans Health Administration (my uncle's a Korean War vet).
On my way into the house, I bring in a letter that arrived in my father's mailbox. It was delivered from 2,000 miles away for only 44 cents, thanks to a bunch of leftists who created the US Postal Service. If not for yet another big-government program called Rural Free Delivery, Dad would have had to drive dozens of miles to pick up his mail.

When I get home I log on to the internet, which was developed by the Dept. of Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration (DARPA), and post on FreeRepublic.com and Fox News forums about how SOCIALISM will ruin our healthcare system because the government can't do anything right!

We don't need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I'm a good old, self-made, self-reliant, American conservative who believes everyone should take care of himself, just like I have.

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