28 August 2005

Intelligent Design: A new theory of everything

In a Swerve Left exclusive interview, the reknown Professor Richtenkopfen, head of divinities at the St. Ebony School of Philosophy, discusses some little-known facts about the theory of Intelligent Design.

Karlo: Professor Richtenkopfen, I just don't get it. How can anyone believe that the Earth is 10,000 years old in this day and age? Isn't Intelligent Design simply a trojan horse, an attempt to turn back the clock on the scientific project aimed towards an objective understanding of our experience?

Professor Richtenkopfen: Karlo, you narrowminded leftist moonbat scumbag. You fail to take into account the full breadth of the Intelligent Design theory. While I normally focus on the religious aspect of ID here at St. Ebony, the theory is nothing short of the long-sought-after theory of everything.

Karlo: With all due respect, Professor, I have no idea what your talking about.

Professor Richtenkopfen: Okay. Let me spell it out for your simplistic brain, so warped by science and relativistic thinking. Intelligent design can be seen vividly in the field of history. For example, God made the Native Americans susceptiple to small pox so that they could die out in large numbers and be slaughtered, raped, and conquered by faithful Christians. Some early Christian pioneers made full use of the science of ID by giving Native Americans blankets laced with smallpox virus.

Karlo: I guess this makes sense, in a very relative sort of way.

Professor Richtenkopfen: And to mention just one more application of the theory, ID has been fruitfully applied to auto-manufacturing. The intelligent design of large gas-guzzling cars has helped exhaust fossil fuel stores that won't be needed after the Second Coming when Earthbound people like yourself will have direct access to the geo-thermal output of the hell-fires.

Karlo: I guess that makes sense. But you still only mentioned history and manufacturing. Isn't the theory a bit narrow in application?

Professor Richtenkopfen: Not at all. ID can be applied to even the most modern technological innovations. Take Microsoft Windows for example. The constant crashes, poor security, and numerous glitches in the system demonstrates poor design. These problems would have never happened had people waited for God to design a software system for them. God doesn't do Windows.

Karlo: I see. Well what about mosquitoes, cockroaches, and ticks. These things don't strike me as being very intelligent additions to creation.

Professor Richtenkopfen: These were created on the Sabbath. You get a few angels goofing around with thunderbolts and DNA sequences and pretty soon everything's a mess.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hah! Very creative, Karlo. And really gets to the truth of it...

Anonymous said...

Hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Maybe Steve Jobs is really Jesus, reincarnated! God and Mac, both three letters. Coincidence?

Karlo said...

I never thought of that! It couldn't possibly be a coincidence!