10 October 2004

Discovery of new time dimension

Guy Taylor, in the October 7th edition of The Washington Times, announced his discovery of both a new dimension of time and new grammatical tense. The new time dimension, called "would-be" time, was featured in Guy's story of how Saddam worked secretly on WMDs. In the story, Guy describes how Saddam had wanted to restart work on WMDs after achieving an end to sanctions. This hypothetical "end to sanctions" existed in the future for the then-dictator Saddam, but as Guy points out, this time is actually in the past from our current perspective. Guy thus reasons that Saddam in fact "worked secretly on WMDs" in would-be time. In addition to Guy's amazing discovery of this hidden time dimension, Guy has also developed a unique method for grammatical reference to would-be time. When writing short phrases or headlines, would-be time looks much like the simple past. Thus, Guy tells us that "Saddam worked secretly on WMDs." In longer prose such as the body of news articles, on the other hand, would-be time is expressed using the infinitive. For example, we are told that Saddam wanted "to re-create" WMD after sanctions were lifted. The new discovery of would-be time opens up previously unimagined possibilities only hinted at in science fictions movies such as Minority Report. Bush, grasping the importance of this new discovery, has pointed out that the current war was justified in order to eliminate the weapons of mass-destruction and terrorist threat that clearly existed in would-be time. Gearing up for another four years, Bush has surrounded himself with experts able to peer into the would-be dimension to pre-emptively attack all would-be enemies. Some critics, however, look into would-be time and see an America that would be a hell of a lot safer with much less debt.


Gail said...

Aha! So this is the new time dimension that Bush must have been referring to in the 2nd debate when he was asked for 3 instances where he had made a wrong decision and he replied that he would take responsibility for his decisions, but not that he did in this dimension of time. And there I was thinking he was stupid.

Karlo said...

No. Bush has actually done some amazing things in would-be time. You just need to spend a weekend staring intently at Fox News and repeat the Bush mantra "ya know" several thousand times in a high-pitched tone, and soon, you too will develop the ability to access would-be time.