Stunning developments

In a stunning development, Hillary agreed to cease her run for the White House today after receiving guarantees from both candidates that they'd make her Secretary of Waterboarding for the new administration. I don't know about you, but I'll sleep a lot safer knowing that the U.S. will continue to pick up Americans and other lowlifes here and abroad without notification or trial and submit them to water torture in order to ensure our freedom and unique way of life. In other positive developments, North Korea and the U.S. have signed an agreement to share scientific information on research being done on the degree of affixiation possible before detainees suffer heart failure. In unrelated news, the White House claims that the jump in war estimates from 3 billion to 3 trillion is the result of rounding down sums to numbers that the average American can understand. As Dana Perino, current White House spokesman explained, "We were trying to come up with a number that could be displayed in the running Applet on the bottom of Fox News. Three trillion is simply too many zeroes, and is a number, frankly speaking, that few Americans from the heartland are familiar with in their everyday life." In order to deal with the inevitable budgetary shortfall and provide a policy with more comprehensible numbers, the White House will further slash taxes for billionnaires.