Bush goes to hell

In the future, Bush goes to hell. When he gets to the check-in desk, he finds the devil staring at a computer screen with a look of consternation. "You've definitely been sent to the right place," the devil says in a professional tone, "but I'm afraid we don't have any room at the moment." Clicking out of the current window, the devil rubs his goatee. "I'll tell you what I'll do. At the moment, we have quite a few residents who really didn't do much wrong. I'll send one of them out to free up a space just for you." Bush shifts to the right nervously. "And to make up for the inconvenience, I'll let you decide who gets to go."

So the two wind down a narrow passageway filled with bitter smoke, until they come to a room. Inside, Richard Nixon can be seen flashing a peace sign. Just as he does so, he's engulfed by the flames of a napalm explosion. As he dissolves to ash, his body is resurrected only to suffer the same fate. Over and over and over. But that's just the way hell is, you know.

Bush turns to the devil. "I like the being born again part, but I've never been much for peace signs. I think I'll have to pass this one up."

The devil bruskly turns away and the two wind down a smoke-filled passageway to the next room. Inside, they see Ronald Reagan hiding behind a small shrub with a tiny stick. Before long, a monkey sneaks up behind him and bites him on the butt. Reagan runs after the monkey only to be bit by another one. And the cycle repeats itself. But that's just the way hell is, after all.

Bush shakes his head. "Being kind-of from Texas, I like small shrubs. But I've never much cared for nature or wild animals. I think I'd like to look at another room."

The devil, clearly growing impatient, motions for Bush to leave the room. The two wind down a long smoky passage until they come to a large room filled with rat feces. Inside the room, Bush sees Noriega, Chalabi, and Allawi standing still with rat feces up to their necks. The three slowly sip cups of coffee as they nibble on small pretzels. Bush scratches his head as the devil impatiently taps his hoof against the stone floor. At last, Bush turns to the devil and boldly tells him, "Well, it ain't the type of high-class living I'm accustomed to. But I do like pretzels and an occasional cup of coffee. And my companions, although they're criminals, were all former friends of the American administration. I think I'll take Chalabi's place."

Chalabi happily jumps out and washes off as Bush wades in up to his neck. He's soon brought a small cup of coffee with a pretzel, which he carefully starts munching on. The devil then locks the door and starts heading up the stairs. Before the two are fully out of sight, Bush hears an announcement over hell's loud-speakers. "Coffee break is now over. Back on your heads."