20 April 2005

New Discoveries Shed Light on New Testament

The Independent reports that a new technique using infra-red light is allowing scholar to read thousands of previously illegible manuscripts. A team from Oxford University is currently using the technique to study the great papyrus text containing the New Testament. The technique has led to a number of new discoveries that are fundamentally altering the way we understand the Jesus of the Gospels since it allows scholars, working with religious scholars and linguistic experts, to decipher the faded writing from the worn edge of documents. Research has just begun, but new findings include:

(1) An analysis of the book of Matthew shows that the line "Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth" is actually followed by the words, "And verily I say unto you, the powerful will rub their faces in earth and make them eat of it."

(2) The oft-cited line "But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also" is actually followed by the phrase if ye be a fool. If ye be not a fool, smite he who smiteth thee pre-emptively."

(3) The Matthew 19:24 verse "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God" is actually followed by "but the ultra-rich shall prosper and be my chosen ones, for it is they who are truly Godlike in my eyes."

(4) The end of the book of Matthew was found to have an entirely new verse, reading, "And have mercy for the rich man, for he is without equals and the keeper of many servants. Lessen his weariness and lighten his load. Tax him lightly so that his treasures may pile up on earth, and he may have power all his days, as he will in heaven."

Professor Lightenhammer, the head of the research team, is ecstastic about the theological implications of the study. "We have long known that our picture of Jesus was only partial and had been obscured through centuries of misunderstanding and poor scholarship. Yet we always suspected that these words of wisdom were hiding between the lines of the ancient text."

In an interview with a local TV station, one of the researchers, speaking off the record, confided, "Liberal academics are in an uproar over this and want to deny the results of the study. In essense, these new findings demonstrate that the average devout Republican, who is not excessively worked up over the mere literal meaning of the Bible, has through prayer and spiritual fortitude somehow intuitively picked up on the true meaning of scriptures, even prior to these new discoveries."

10 comments:

Tom said...

I knew us Republicans were right all along. Now I can finally drop all pretenses and start really taking advantage of women, the poor and the environment! What a relief!

Karlo said...

The Republicans were keeping up pretenses? We need to send you all back to pretense school.

Mary said...

*smirk*
M#

John said...

Added you to my list of "canny blogs".
Cheers, Papillon at "A revolutionary Act"

Karlo said...

I am much honored!

Rainbow Demon said...

Had me going at the first paragraph. LOL

Peace,
=RD=

Alicia said...

Amen, Brother! Now, the truth is finally being revealed and all this liberal bleeding-heart nonsense about 'the least of these' can be relegated to the spiritual trash bin where it belongs. Bring on the gold-plated toilet fixtures! Isn't it obvious who God really loves?

Karlo said...

Fo shore! I think the Book of Life is actually little more than an excerpt of names that appear in Forbes every year.

spiralsands said...

Oh Jumpin Jesus! Where have I been! You made me wet my pants!

Thank you for that.

Karlo said...

(; Forever in your service...