(1) An analysis of the book of Matthew shows that the line "Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth" is actually followed by the words, "And verily I say unto you, the powerful will rub their faces in earth and make them eat of it."
(2) The oft-cited line "But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also" is actually followed by the phrase if ye be a fool. If ye be not a fool, smite he who smiteth thee pre-emptively."
(3) The Matthew 19:24 verse "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God" is actually followed by "but the ultra-rich shall prosper and be my chosen ones, for it is they who are truly Godlike in my eyes."
(4) The end of the book of Matthew was found to have an entirely new verse, reading, "And have mercy for the rich man, for he is without equals and the keeper of many servants. Lessen his weariness and lighten his load. Tax him lightly so that his treasures may pile up on earth, and he may have power all his days, as he will in heaven."
Professor Lightenhammer, the head of the research team, is ecstastic about the theological implications of the study. "We have long known that our picture of Jesus was only partial and had been obscured through centuries of misunderstanding and poor scholarship. Yet we always suspected that these words of wisdom were hiding between the lines of the ancient text."
In an interview with a local TV station, one of the researchers, speaking off the record, confided, "Liberal academics are in an uproar over this and want to deny the results of the study. In essense, these new findings demonstrate that the average devout Republican, who is not excessively worked up over the mere literal meaning of the Bible, has through prayer and spiritual fortitude somehow intuitively picked up on the true meaning of scriptures, even prior to these new discoveries."