4 March 2005

Which left are you?

For all my fellow moonbats out there, I suppose it's time we look deep inside our leftist souls and decided our true leftist identity. I was always under the impression that leftist were those people born with an active version of the altruistic gene--that one that provokes concern over our fellow human beings. In other words, I figured we were more evolved versions of the monkey who brought back the large bundle of bananas so that the monkey troop could have a nice banana party (while those with the defective version of the gene bashed each other's heads).

I was therefore taken back to discover that the altruistic, egalitarian leftist doesn't exist! This revelation comes from no less an authority that Moonbat Central, who informs us that "it is impossible to understand politics in the world today without grasping the fundamental fact that there exist two different Lefts. I propose that the two be referred to by everyone as the Stupid Left and the Satanic Left."

Of course, this analysis is somewhat flawed. Moonbat Central fails to mention that third possibility of stupid, evil leftists, but we'll leave this point aside for the moment so that we can present his erudite analysis in full:

The two are very different, although they work together. People who are part of the first are simply stupid people. People who are part of the second may in fact be quite shrewd, but are evil and nefarious. There is no third type of leftist.

I'm glad he used the word "nefarious." Although I've never wanted to do evil, there have been times I've wanted to be "nefarious." The word conjours up daredevil ninjas slinking around a top-secret base, dispatching the fat conservative security guard with a knowing grin.

Over time, the Stupid Left has been losing its numbers, as many Stupid Leftists either become smarter or morph into Satanic Leftists, and so desist from being mere Stupid Leftists.

I'm glad that he conceded we are getting smarter. Evidently, there's hope for us yet.

So a process of selection is occurring whereby the strength of the Satanic Left within the overall Left grows.

Selection? This sounds very, uhm, evolutionist. Are post-Shrub conservatives allowed to believe in evolution? I'll have to ask the Department of Homeland Security about this...

The anti-American demonstrations we have been witnessing in Europe and the United States are attended by both kinds of Leftists, although they were organized by Satanic Leftists.

Well of course, We don't allow our stupid leftist brethren to organize things. We all may be equal but some of us are more equal than others after all.

The Stupid Left is anti-American because it thinks people in America are oppressed, poor, mistreated and that America is an evil country.

No. Actually the "Stupid Left" knows that people in America are often oppressed, poor, or mistreated. They are evidently "stupid" because they give a damn.

The Satanic Left is anti-American precisely because it knows the opposite is the case.

Wow. This is getting deep. I can see some Aquinas somewhere in here (amidst the emtpy beer cans). Profound philosophical questions. Can man knowingly commit wrong?

The Stupid Left hates America because it thinks America promotes evil, oppressive regimes around the world. The Satanic Left hates America because America gets in the way of the evil, oppressive regimes that the Satanic Left promotes.

I see. I guess this excludes the possibility of there being a stupid, evil leftist. Damn. And I thought I'd poked a whole in this tight line of reasoning.

The Stupid Left denounces capitalism and globalization and supports communism because it really believes that people are poor and oppressed under capitalism but free and happy under socialism. The Satanic Left denounces capitalism and supports communism precisely because it knows that the opposite is the case.

Yes. It's all for that glory of watching people suffer under oppressive systems. There's nothing like sitting out on your porch, on a hot summer day, with a vodka in one hand and Das Kapital in the other, watching the people suffer.

The Stupid Left does not know that communism produces gulags. The Satanic Left supports communism precisely because it produces gulags and also because the Satanic Leftists presume they will be placed in charge of the gulags.

Yes. We're waiting for the government to wake up and start sending us Satanic Leftists to go run the gulags in Cuba and Diego Garcia. For some reason, we can't get the Shrub administration to see the light.

The Stupid Left wants a Palestinian state because it thinks that such a state will pursue peace alongside Israel. The Satanic Left wants a Palestinian state precisely because it knows such a state will launch a war of destruction against Israel and endless atrocities against the Jews.

Uh oh. They're on to us. We've been helping the Palestinians collect rocks for decades now, waiting for that day when the Israel's have their guard down. After all, didn't David whoop Goliath using a rock?

The Stupid Left thinks Israel mistreats Arabs. It does not know that Arab regimes mistreat Arabs. The Satanic Left knows Israel does not mistreat Arabs and Arab regimes do. It wants Israel destroyed not because it thinks Israel is unjust, but rather because it hates Jews.

Left? Nazis? Anti-semitism? Chomsky? I'm getting confused.

The Stupid Left is convinced that most Arabs seek peace, are moderate and decent people, and have a legitimate grievance against the West. The Satanic Left supports Arab aggression and terror precisely because it knows this is not true.

Wow. I'm glad that's cleared up. And all this time I was under the illusion that there were decent Arabs.

The Stupid Left thinks that Palestinian leaders and Arab nationalists are progressive and liberal. The Satanic Left supports the same people precisely because it knows they are fascists.

Fascist leftist . . . I've got to get a new history book. All mine keep talking about Hitler's war against the communists.

The Stupid Left thinks the West should not place its Arab residents under surveillance because they are decent people and loyal to their adopted countries. The Satanic Left opposes such surveillance because it wants more Bin Ladens.

Yeah. That Bin Laden was sure a wonderful leftist. Constantly talking about creating an egalitarian materialist society in which class consciousness would be wiped out and nations wouldn't exist.
. . .
The Stupid Left thinks the Middle East conflict is about land and borders. The Satanic Left knows it is about Israel`s existence.

Yes. We know that the 2nd or 3rd most powerful military in the world (Israel's) backed by the most powerful military in the world (that of the U.S.) is going to be over-run any moment by kids carrying bandanas filled with rocks.

. . .
The Stupid Left chooses its political positions on the basis of the desire by leftists to make their mommies and daddies mad. So does the Satanic Left, but they REALLY DESPISE their parents.

What about people with leftist parents? Do they end up writing long anti-leftist screeds on obscure websites?

The Stupid Left thinks animals should be treated like humans. The Satanic Left thinks humans should be treated like animals.

Ooh. I like this one. Someone's taken a writing class.

The Stupid Left wants socialism because it thinks that people will not have to work under socialism and because it thinks that leftists will have a lot of friends under socialism. The Satanic Left wants socialism because Satanic Leftists will not have to work under socialism while they turn everyone else into slaves, and because they`ll get to shoot their friends.

Yep. Slaves and shooting friends. That about sums it up.

So which kind of leftist are you?

2 comments:

dailyread said...

I went over there to see who was proud enough of their analytical prowess to claim credit for writing that article, but I must be stupid left 'cause I couldn't figure it out.
I rated the website while I was there (in my mind, of course).
Layout...pretty damn nice.
Content...only in some of the comments.

Anonymous said...

any leftist deserve to have AIDS, period